Forgive Not Forget

Time doesn’t heal anything but it helps us to forget. It helps us to bury certain memories far deeper and distant in our consciousness. Most importanly, the right amount of time can help us to move on. To bury the hatchet. To make peace and forgive ourself. More often than not, forgiving ourself is more demanding than forgiving other people or the circumstances themselves. Distance can be made, relationships can be severed and things or places can be avoided but our younger,foolish,naive-self who made those mistakes will always be with us. 

It’s funny when i try to recall my childhood memories, the ones that pop up are the less pleasant ones. Without trying to sound ungrateful (because i do realise how lucky i was/am), my childhood still up to this day isn’t a part of my life that I can be proud of. I was a difficult child, struggling with self-denial, race discrimination and excessive insecurities. My parents are part of the older generations where they had to deal with entirely different problems altogether. This big generation gap caused me to feel disconnected with my parents from early age. I felt like it would be a waste of time to go to my parents for advices because i knew all the cliche phrases they were going to throw at me. 

Unfortunately, I was also not a social person. I didn’t have many friends. My insecurity problems caused me to loath a lot of people. People with things I didn’t have. Money, things, talents, popularity. I was a very angsty kid with severe inferiority complex. I felt so inferior to a lot of my peers that i had to take drastic measures at times just so i could feel better about myself. 

This went on for several years until i went to university. I stayed in Brisbane, Australia for 3.5 years to do my Bachelor Degree. I didn’t know anyone when I moved there. I had no family nor friends. Being a foreigner in a country with entirely different culture and values, there were a lot of things to adjust to. And i had to do it in a short amount of time.

I had to start over from ground zero. It was tough. But it was something I desperately needed. A chance to start fresh. I was lucky enough to meet some of the most wonderful people over there. After started going alone to music shows for a while, i eventually made some friends in the local scene. Some of these people were my inspirations and they sort of put my faith back in humanity and friendships. They laughed with me, not at me.

I left Australia feeling lucky and I knew something was different. I was not filled with hate anymore. I didn’t avoid people. And I accepted a lot of things about me that i had refused to accept in my younger days. The pains from my childhood memories are still there and I doubt they will ever go away. Everytime I looked at any memorabilia from my younger days, I can feel my body flinching a bit, acknowledging the painful memories. But for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to forgive yourself. I moved on. 

"I was the champion of forgive forget  

But I haven't found a way 

To forgive you yet  

And though I know 

you and I are through  

All my thoughts are lines converging in on you"

- Rites of Spring -

Past is The Language

I happen to work for a company that provides English enrichment program to kids. And one of the motivational phrases that we use a lot is this :

"The past doesn't equal the future"

The idea is to implant the notion that whatever failures or shortcomings that we went through in the past will not happen again in the future IF we don't let them to. It's about taking responsibility of our own actions at present for a better future. While I believe this phrase rings true, sometimes i can't help but feel that during certain circumstances or moments in my life, the past is the only thing i can hold onto. 

Let's clear a few things up. I am somewhat a typical average 25-year-old male. I work full time as an English teacher. I also "sing" and write for a rock band. And my lyrics have always been heavily associated with feelings that come with adolescence and youth. I'm also into movies, books or anything that involves time-travel or manipulation of time. 

There have been a lot of instances where I cling to my adolescence and feelings that i went through in my younger days quite strongly. Sometimes I don't really know why. I'd like to think that maybe it's because the future is simply unpredictable and unstable while the past is a safe place to run to. The past doesn't change and it will not change. All the good memories will still be there no matter what.

Of course there is always the other side of the coin. Scars and painful memories are also not going anywhere. They are right there in one part of our brain just waiting to be recalled. I deliberately choose to simply forget some things from my memory and most of the time it works. You will only remember things you want to remember.

The level of intensity of these memories also dictate how ofen they come up to our consciousness. Some memories are simply too strong to be forgotten and more often than not, they creeped up and made their way into our daily conversations without us noticing. They have become a part of our language.

Childhood dreams, unfulfilled ambitions, bitterness of past relationships are some of the things that somehow have managed to become a part of my language. It's not good nor bad, considering it's never clear how or to what direction these things affect you. Some of my strongest self-motivations stem out from these factors. Other times, they are my biggest obstacles, my biggest hurdles, and worst of all my self-made limitations. 

The past represents different things for different people. More than anything, it represents innocence. It's a time when things were simpler, and we were allowed to make mistakes. It reminds us of what kind of person we wanted to become or how things were "supposed" to turn out. Letting go of the past can be daunting. Especially when it has become a part of your language without you realizing it.

Well, that was a rather depressing post. Maybe this video will cheer you up :

Less is More : Travelling, Jogjakarta and Life

It has almost been a year since i wrote anything for this blog. It was also around the time i made one of the biggest decisions in my life : I ditched my bachelor degree-supported accounting job for a chance to teach English to kids and teenagers. Between juggling my new found challenges in teaching and writing music for Vague and performing with Jirapah, i simply didn't have enough time to inspire myself to write.

Teaching and playing music was complementing each other nicely and i was pretty content with my life. However, In a matter of months slowly but surely teaching had become nothing but a job and playing music was simply a routine. It was clear to me that I simply needed to get away from everything. June/July school break was approaching and before long, I found myself getting train tickets to Jogjakarta. It was spur-of-the-moment kinda thing and it also turned out to be one of the holidays i've had. 

The train trip was quite fascinating in a boring-kinda way. I was in the business class, which basically means no air conditioner. The heat in the afternoon combined with the amount of hawkers going up and down the aisle, from car to car selling anything and everything from food to toothbrush everytime the train would pass through a stop was enough to shatter any romantic fantasies i had about gazing at green rice fields and farms through the window, with a paper and a pen on my hand moving automatically taken in inspirations. Instead, i found myself falling asleep constantly in awkward positions only to be awaken by the shouts of said hawkers.  

It's not all bad, however. I managed to do one thing i haven't been able to do ever since i came back to Jakarta three years ago : having a decent, normal conversation with a total stranger in regards to the possibility of sharing nothing in common whatsoever. On my trip to Jogja, sitting next to me was a Muslim woman who was making the trip to visit her ill mother in the hospital. She told me this incredible story of a woman in her family who had a sex change and how 'he' would go to a wedding wearing traditional Javanese-style cap and how it freaked out 'his' religious families. On my return trip, my companion was a man in his late-20's traveling with his cousin's family on a  holiday. I somehow ended up having to explain to him about punk, independent music scenes, straight edge and everything in between. Fortunately, he was a good sport and he was always polite about it. 

But let's get back to the main topic : Jogjakarta was all it's cracked up to be. I don't know which part of my stay I should share that wouldn't make me sound like I work for their tourism department. It's a beautiful city with just enough art/music events to keep you excited and yet it doesn't suffocate you by having 823782387283 gigs on the same night. Jogjakarta is full of knowledge-hungry college kids and intellectually stimulating museums but every corner of the city also screams out Indonesian culture and tradition. Jogja is smart but humble.  It's a city that evolves with time and yet never loses it's identity.  

I was lucky enough to come to the city at the right time. It was the start of holiday season so there were quite a few music shows to keep me entertained. During my 6 days of stay, i witnessed events ranging from a studio hardcore/punk show at Antrax, indie rock show at second floor of a pool hall, weird pop-punk show at a university auditorium, an open-air rave party with a DJ booth right on a newly built bridge right in the middle of the city on Sunday night (you heard that right), a MIDI-based karaoke black metal band playing in a night club. My mind was blown.

One thing that struck me the most was how some of these bands had never made their way into my radar. They were really good and i had no clue they even existed. According to a few local  journalists and net label owners that i talked to Jogjakarta simply didn't receive the same amount of coverage by "big" media and publications as Jakarta and Bandung. This explains the close-knit nature and comradeship spirit that i felt as i was attending said music gigs. Although of course i could easily over-romantized the whole thing as i was only there for a few days. 

In the end, it was a perfect get away holiday. I ate amazing food and met a few old friends and made some new ones. Bike riding around Jogja with a piece of map in my hand was definitely my favorite part. It was the most liberating feeling i had felt in years. And being there by myself made me think a lot of what kind of a person i was and what i actually wanted from life. Sometimes I wish Jakarta had the modesty, simplicity and sincerity that Jogja had.

Vague

We're lacking presence on the internet at the moment. This is as existential as we get : Vague's last fm page

The idea of promoting your own band always seem weird to me. Is it? or Is it not? But since no one knows who Vague is, nor do people read this blog, I find it perfectly justifiable to do a little write-up about Vague, the band I'm in.

Vague started sometime in August 2010, when Adit who is also the bass player for Obsesif Kompulsif (and tons of hardcore bands in the past) joined us. Before that, It was just I and Jan, who also sing for the hardcore band Raincoat, jamming around by ourselves and having fun. When Adit joined us, i started to write songs. I only had been playing guitar properly for about 6 months by then, and i had never written a song in my life. I found the process of songwriting to be challenging and somewhat frustrating. It would take me hours to write a simple riff. Don't even get me started on writing lyrics, which i found to be equally hard.

Combination of my inability to write songs quickly, our limited skill at music instrument (none of us are proper musicians, except maybe Adit) and a lot of other things caused the band to go at a really slow pace. We had our first gig in February 2011 when i was organizing Bekasi show for punk outfits Circuits (Melbourne) and Daighila (Kuala Lumpur). The show went well, but our performance was a mess. My guitar was way too quiet, lyrics were forgotten, my left leg was shaking uncontrollably, and i somehow managed to pull out the cord while playing not once, but three times. It was really bad.

Fast forward a few months, Vague has just put out our demo. It's far from perfect, and there are lot of things that i wish i knew back when we were recording, but what done is done. I'm sure the next recording will be a lot better. We've been a band for about a year now, but we've only played three shows. We're definitely lacking in this department and i hope that will change soon.

Vague started because of our mutual love for music, especially for bands within the punk/rock umbrella. We love Revolution Summer bands, 80's hardcore punk, as well as more traditional rock bands such as Dinosaur Jr. Those are our main influences although we never limit ourselves to certain styles.

I'm happy that the feelings i had when I started writing for Vague is still there. And i hope they will stay for a long time.

Vague Demo :
1. 23
2. The Road
3. Endless Summer

Download Here

Holiday

Ever since i came back from Brisbane to Jakarta in 2009, i had not had a proper vacation. There were times when i would drive with friends to neighbor towns to see bands, but that's about it. I had been working a dead-end accounting job at the same place for about twenty months. Playing music was the only thing that got me through the days. I was dying from the daily routines.

Thankfully, I and a friend managed to score cheap Air Asia tickets back in late 2010 for August 2011 flight to Kuala Lumpur. The plan was to spend time in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore within just 6 days. I had been really excited about the trip and i felt that holiday was exactly something that i need to shake things up a bit.

I won't go into details about all the things that i did, places i went to, and things i bought during the trip because they're all really predictable and not that all interesting. They're all are normal tourist-y stuff. I, however will share my thoughts and feelings regarding the trip now that i've had some time to think about them.

Kuala Lumpur
Kuala Lumpur was an interesting one. It was going to be my first time in Malaysia. And as an Indonesian coming to Malaysia, i had had preconceptions of what Malaysia was going to be like. For those of you non South East Asianers out there, Malaysia and Indonesia share a lot of similar qualities. Both countries speak Malay as the main language, albeit with differences in vocabularies and tone. Most of the people look alike, the cultures are similar, etc etc.

However, it needs to be said that there have been quite a few confrontations between Indonesia and Malaysia in the past. There have been territorial issues, immigrant issues, and so on. I think tensions are bound to happen between two neighbor countries, especially ones with such similar social and cultural environment. There has been a resentment towards Malaysia and its people from Indonesians side. To be honest, the lack of neutrality that Indonesia's media has shown in their reports didn't really help either. I think it all just come down to lack of communication between the two countries. And some Indonesians really need to cool it down with their over the top patriotic attitudes.

The first thing that i noticed about Kuala Lumpur was their city infrastructure. It was head and shoulders above Jakarta's infrastructure. The public transportation was actually reliable and it was quite easy to get to places using Light Rail Transit (LRT). There was one instance where i was taking the LRT and i forgot to grab the LRT card back out of the machine and thus leaving me with no choice but to explain my situation to one of the officers at the station. He actually let me go shortly after. I thought "If this was Indonesia, i would've had to bribe the officer for sure".



Aside from spending time in the City, Pasar Seni, China Town and obligatory visit to Rice Cooker and Batu Caves, we mostly spent our time hanging out with the locals. After all, what better way is there to learn about other culture other than to spend some time with people who grew up with it? I also need to point out that we came during the fasting month, which was rather unfortunate because there weren't much anything going on.

I did go to a show there, however. It was at this quite fancy bar in a mall complex. The first band was a bunch of normal-dressed Chinese dudes playing black metal with mandarin lyrics. I shit you not. It was as entertaining as you thought it would. Second band was trying too hard to be Godspeed You Black Emperor. They were okay. The last band of the night went by the name Nao, and it was one of the best live performances i had seen in a while. They were a three-piece playing instrumental music. They were quite technical, and yet never gotten to the point of being too self-indulgent, and they were actually fun!

Singapore
I had been to Singapore before the trip. But it was a family vacation and i was like 17 or something. I didn't remember much really. But i remembered Singapore being really developed and sophisticated and all that. Well, they were still pretty much the same. Singapore is without a doubt the best South East Asian country, objectively speaking.







There was nothing much to be said about Singapore that hasn't been said before really. It's pretty much the perfect country to visit if you're looking for either of these things : food and shopping. I did those alright. Music wise, there wasn't much to report. Apparently things had been pretty slow in Singapore with venues like Black Hole being shut down and bands breaking up.

Upon hanging out with a few local friends, someone mentioned an interesting point on how he thought Singapore was too "safe" compared to less developed countries like Indonesia or Malaysia and how easy it was for things to become too sterile and predictable. It's always good to hear opinions from the other side of the fence. It's funny how the grass is always greener on the other side too.

Overall, it was a good trip. Kuala Lumpur was more exciting, alive, and unpredictable but Singapore gave us a chance to catch our breath and relax a bit.

Kudos to friends in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore. Maybe Indonesia will catch up one day.

A little update...

I'm very well aware that i haven't posted anything in almost three months now. Aside from the usual of me being lazy bum, to tell you the truth i haven't been to many music shows in the past two months or so. I've also found myself listening to less new music, and that I'd rather put something i'm already familiar with. I still play and write music a lot, probably more than i ever have, but i don't find myself getting excited to explore my musical horizon like i used to be. I guess I'm getting old or something (I'm turning 25 at the end of the year)

I feel that changes are needed in order for me to keep being motivated to write. So, I've decided that from now on i will write about anything that i feel is good enough to be written, without limiting it to just music. Don't worry, i won't turn this into a freakin' diary or anything like that. I am just branching out a bit. Until the next post then!

Jirapah

Jirapah myspace
Jirapah facebook
Jirapah website/blog

Lack of inspiration can be quite a problem for an artist, including musicians. Inspiration often comes in the most subtle way and sometimes they come from the most unexpected places or sources. But most of the times a hint of it is enough to push an artist to craft their art. Good musicians always look for new inspirations and conversely letting themselves to be influenced by people, things and places around them. I believe that musicians (or any artist for that matter) are products of their environments. It's fascinating how sometimes we can have a better understanding of a piece of art by understanding the kind of environment the artist was/is in.

Jirapah (a play on Indonesian word "Jerapah" which translates to giraffe) is a musical project started by Ken Jenie, an Indonesian who grew up and spend most of his life in Brooklyn, New York. Ken started playing guitar in his high school days and he had been in various bands before he started Jirapah. I know nothing of these previous projects except that a few of them were hardcore punk bands.

Jirapah didn't come about until Ken was 27 when he started recording his own songs. Jirapah is essentially a one man band with all songs, instruments and vocals written and performed by Ken himself on records. During live performances, Ken would be accompanied by Mar Galo on bass, drum and occasionally another guitar. There are quite a few videos of Jirapah playing as a three piece in New York on youtube.

Unfortunately, visa problems forced Ken to leave The States and come back to Jakarta, roughly three years after Jirapah started. Things didn't stop there however as Ken would start performing Jirapah songs by himself. Jirapah also continued on putting out digital releases and landed a single on Yogjakarta's excellent and diverse label, Yes No Wave.

I saw Jirapah for the first time at Whiteboard Journal's event, Cliff Notes at Potatohead. It was just Ken, his guitar and a bunch of pedals. It was a rather intimate set (about as intimate as it gets at a place like Potatohead anyway) and it certainly won me over. I've been a fan ever since.

I would describe Jirapah's music in a nutshell as "bedroom ambient pop music". It's obvious that there are a lot of different influences involved in Jirapah's music, although the pop songwriting is always there. Thank You, Max EP has a post-punk vibe to it at times, especially on song like "Telephone" with its moody and darker feel. Jirapah also shows its more adventurous side sonically with "First Wave", a six minute ambient piece. Ken would later incorporate these ambient passages into songs like "27". Jirapah's later releases sees the band moving into a few different directions. "Clouds" is a moody bluesy track, "Foxes" has a very Velvet Underground-esque fuzzy guitar solos and "Saturdays" is about as dream pop as Jirapah ever gotten. The core elements of Jirapah's music are still there, however : the lo-fi minimalist approach, the heavy usage of reverb, and the multi-layered guitars.

So what's news with Jirapah in 2011? I'm guessing more digital releases and shows. Jirapah just recently got picked by Nylon magazine as one of the "top 10 most promising local acts", giving them an opportunity to share a big stage with Hurts, a synth-pop band from the UK. Honestly, i couldn't care less about some lifestyle fashion magazine's opinions on music, but it's nice that Jirapah is getting more recognition and exposure. They've earned it. Expect bigger things from Jirapah.

Here are all Jirapah releases. Click to download. Knock yourself out.

Thank You, Max Ep (December 2009)
Digital 7" Vol.01 (April 2010)
Digital 7" Vol.02 (May 2010)
Single on Tsefula/Tsefuelha Records / Yes No Wave (October 2010)
Digital 7" Vol.03 (February 2011)
Digital 7" Vol.04 (April 2011)