Monday, December 10, 2012

Forgive Not Forget

Time doesn’t heal anything but it helps us to forget. It helps us to bury certain memories far deeper and distant in our consciousness. Most importanly, the right amount of time can help us to move on. To bury the hatchet. To make peace and forgive ourself. More often than not, forgiving ourself is more demanding than forgiving other people or the circumstances themselves. Distance can be made, relationships can be severed and things or places can be avoided but our younger,foolish,naive-self who made those mistakes will always be with us. 

It’s funny when i try to recall my childhood memories, the ones that pop up are the less pleasant ones. Without trying to sound ungrateful (because i do realise how lucky i was/am), my childhood still up to this day isn’t a part of my life that I can be proud of. I was a difficult child, struggling with self-denial, race discrimination and excessive insecurities. My parents are part of the older generations where they had to deal with entirely different problems altogether. This big generation gap caused me to feel disconnected with my parents from early age. I felt like it would be a waste of time to go to my parents for advices because i knew all the cliche phrases they were going to throw at me. 

Unfortunately, I was also not a social person. I didn’t have many friends. My insecurity problems caused me to loath a lot of people. People with things I didn’t have. Money, things, talents, popularity. I was a very angsty kid with severe inferiority complex. I felt so inferior to a lot of my peers that i had to take drastic measures at times just so i could feel better about myself. 

This went on for several years until i went to university. I stayed in Brisbane, Australia for 3.5 years to do my Bachelor Degree. I didn’t know anyone when I moved there. I had no family nor friends. Being a foreigner in a country with entirely different culture and values, there were a lot of things to adjust to. And i had to do it in a short amount of time.

I had to start over from ground zero. It was tough. But it was something I desperately needed. A chance to start fresh. I was lucky enough to meet some of the most wonderful people over there. After started going alone to music shows for a while, i eventually made some friends in the local scene. Some of these people were my inspirations and they sort of put my faith back in humanity and friendships. They laughed with me, not at me.

I left Australia feeling lucky and I knew something was different. I was not filled with hate anymore. I didn’t avoid people. And I accepted a lot of things about me that i had refused to accept in my younger days. The pains from my childhood memories are still there and I doubt they will ever go away. Everytime I looked at any memorabilia from my younger days, I can feel my body flinching a bit, acknowledging the painful memories. But for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to forgive yourself. I moved on. 

"I was the champion of forgive forget  
But I haven't found a way 
To forgive you yet  
And though I know 
you and I are through  
All my thoughts are lines converging in on you"

- Rites of Spring -

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