Events that happened in our lives is what makes who we are. "Everything happens for a reason." Or so they say. I've used this line more than i'd like to admit. You probably have, too. Emotion-inducing events that occurs at young age, when frequent and/or intense usually leads one to become more aware of his or herself and surroundings. Self-awareness is a quality that i take pride in myself for having. It's the ability to learn and understand oneself to make the best decisions that align with our core as a person.
A lot of things happened this past a year and a half. A lot more than the usual amount I get. Some of these experiences were new at the time. Or maybe just different, i can't tell. Some left me in a quite bad state. I'm no stranger to when it comes to seasonal depression or moodiness, but there had been times when I absolutely felt nothing. Hollow.
I've made bad decisions. Quite a few of them. And they're all related to people. Friends. And acquaintances. It didn't seem bad at the time. After all, I always follow my guts. But as Rob Gordon put it best : "My guts have shit for brains" or in my case, feelings. I might have hurt people. People I care about. People that at one point probably care for me. As I hurt them, it hurts me. Worse. The worst part about it is that I didn't realize why I did it until months after.
My self-awareness has turned to nothing but empty pretentiousness. Sophistication that breeds stupidity. I've made the same mistakes that caused me to swear against these ignorances in the first place. Becoming a person you don't want to be can be quite scary. It messes up with your moral compass and values. It makes you question things. It makes you question yourself.
I've been trying to stay in my den where I can hide in my bubble and not confront the guilt. The world outside will not let you forget. Each handshake reminds me the time I didn't offer my hand to help. Each smile reminds me how beyond all meticulous judgements, we're all just a person. A human.
I've been trying to confront the feelings and tackle it head-on, but it proved to be difficult and traumatizing. Or maybe I'm just weak.
What goes around comes around. Time waits for no one. Live with your mistakes.